Hidden Longings- PHANfiction
by bubblemist
Summary: Phanfiction- featuring Dan Howell (Danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (AmazingPhil). I don't want to reveal anything here, but there is drama, sadness, and ultimately romance!
1. New Found Facts

_**Hi guys! So this is my first proper fanfic O: I've been putting this off for a while but the first chapter is finally done! :D Please let me know what you think, if you would like me to continue this story (yes I have ideas hmmhmmm :P) then say so! Hope you enjoy!**_

Chapter 1- New Found Facts

~PHIL'S POV~

"Phil, you're over reacting!" I heard him shout, trying to override my remarks of what seemed like complete and utter disgust. I was filled with anger and sorrow as I mulled over the night before.

"Really Dan, answer me truthfully, how would you feel if someone slept in your bed, with a woman?" I asked, my tone full of disappointment. My hands clenched by my sides as I tried to calm the anger flowing through me. It wasn't often I was this angry, saying that it wasn't often I would express my emotion at all.

"Well who else am I gonna sleep with?" Dan replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

'If only' I thought to myself, before snapping out of my own dream world. I knew I shouldn't be thinking these things, but it was only natural. 'I mean come on, it's _Dan_. Dan, with his silky dark hair, perfect brown eyes….'

"I… I…" I stuttered, not knowing what to say to him at all. "Who even was that girl Dan? I swear I've never even seen her before!"

"Phil! Since _when _have I needed your permission to bring friends over? Last time I checked, I didn't need approval to sleep with someone!" Dan retaliated.

"Look. I get it okay. We're guys, we have needs, but that _does not _give you the right to shag her in my bed Dan! How do you expect me to sleep in there now?" I questioned, trying to stop imagining how much fun Dan could have had with that girl.

The girl was rather short and curvy, with long dark waves reaching her waist. She had a very natural look about her- just Dan's type. I'm sure if she wasn't connected with Dan she would have been seen through my eyes as perfectly decent, and… normal. If anything, I would have found her to be quite attractive, if I was into girls, that is. Truth is, I'm not, any more. She doesn't have the perfect brown eyes, the laugh that makes your heart melt or the witty sense of humour like Dan. She wouldn't make you pancakes covered in syrup to give you when you woke up, or hug you tightly before you went to sleep. I always loved that about Dan. For a friend, he was always so affectionate. One time, we literally snuggled throughout the whole of a sad film. And it wasn't even weird. That's the thing though, I don't just want him as a friend. I want him to know how I feel. I want him there beside me when I wake up, to hug and kiss, to own. I want to sit and stroke his hair as he drifts off into a slumber, to carry him to bed and lie there with him in my arms, forever.

I had to pull myself out of a fantasy once again. "You know what, it doesn't even matter. I'm going out." I snapped, reaching for my messenger bag and snatching my phone off the arm of the sofa. I threw on my hoodie and reached for my keys, trying to ignore Dan's excuses in the background as I made an exit as quickly as possible.

"Phil, come on… I don't want to fall out over this… it was just once… I'm sorry Phil, I really am."

No reply.

"...Fine, if you're gonna act like a stroppy little kid and storm out, then I'm making no effort stop you."

"Good." I mumbled as I left the apartment.

**_Sooo, I hope it wasn't too bad. I hope to begin writing new chapters right away but remember to review if you want to see more drama!_**


	2. Truth is, I miss you

**_Hi again guys, I couldn't resist writing another chapter! I appreciate it's a little different but hopefully you will still like it! Please let me know what you think, and sorry for leaving it on such a cliffhanger, I'm just evil ;P_**

Chapter 2- Truth is, I miss you.

~DAN'S POV~

'Phil, It's been two days since you left. You couldn't have moved out, could you? I mean, you hardly took anything with you, and you wouldn't do that to me… would you? I appreciate this is the first time I have written you a letter since knowing you, just I have no one else to talk to or express myself to. Truth is I miss you, Phil. I'm so sorry for doing what I did, I just want my best friend back. Even though you are going over the top, I want to make it up to you. Please come home. Dan. X'

'Dear Phil, c'mon it's been a week already! Where the fuck are you? I hate to think that you are out of my life for good. You are more than just a friend Phil, you are my brother. Please pick up your phone and answer my calls, reply to my texts. We can fix this. I know it! I promise you I won't sleep around anymore, and if I'm honest she wasn't even that good. OK scrap that. Just come back, I miss you. Dan. XX'

'My dearest Phil, two weeks is long enough. I've asked around and no one has seen you. To tell you the truth I'm worried. Please just text me back, or call me. I want you back so badly. The fans are thinking you have like died or something! ….. Phil… I don't know what I would do if something happened to you and I never got to see you again. I… I…'

I paused a moment only to notice tears dripping onto the page. My face tasted salty, my eyes were stinging. I couldn't believe I had wrecked something so great. I have no one.

I went to the bathroom and dried my eyes, put on my hoodie and my converse, and headed for the door. I took out my keys ready to lock up, when I noticed something under my foot. I stood in silence.

"Dear Dan" read the envelope.

**_OoOoOo like I said, more drama to come! I would really appreciate it if you could leave me a review, it is lovely to know people are actually reading along and enjoying it! That's all for now, getting back to writing more chapters! :D _**


	3. Crown Jewel

_**Hi guys! I couldn't help but write this straight after Chapter 2, but couldn't upload it until now as my internet connection died :/ Hope you enjoy and keep reading!**_

Chapter 3- Crown Jewel

~DAN'S POV~

"Dear Dan…" I read out loud, my voice breaking with worry. 'Why would Phil write me a letter, couldn't he just come and speak to me?' I thought. I slowly ventured back into the apartment, where I took a rather uncomfortable seat and tore open the envelope.

'Dear Dan,

I couldn't go two weeks without letting you know that I'm not dead. You deserve that much. There's so much I want to say to you, I just don't have a clue how to say it. For starters, what you did was wrong. As much as I want to hate you for it, I don't. I guess I kinda forgive you. Secondly, this is _my _apartment, so I'm hardly going to move out… if anything that should be you, but I'm too nice to ask that from you…'

I stopped reading to process what he was saying. Phil didn't hate me, and he was coming home! I smiled and let out a huge sigh of relief, when I drew my eyes back to the letter.

'… and thirdly, there is something else I have to tell you. Something big…'

I couldn't help but read aloud by this point, I was so engrossed in the writing. Was this going to be good or bad news? I took back the sigh of relief and held my breath in suspense as I carried on reading.

'… I hope this doesn't end us Dan. If it does I will never forgive myself for telling you this. But, over the years you have become my ultimate best friend…'

I found myself imagining the words in Phil's voice, it was so real, he may as well have been there in the room with me. I carried on reading.

'… but you mean more to me than that now. Dan I'm going to confess, the reason why I hated it so much that you slept with that girl was because… because I was jealous. I wanted it to be you and me in my bed, not you and her. Truth is, I love you Dan.' I read aloud, my voice being mirrored by what seemed like Phil's. I sat there, frozen, completely stunned by what I just read.

"I love you Dan." The voices started again.

"And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to run off like that." Why wouldn't they leave me alone? I needed time to think. I got up and started for my bedroom, maybe a change of scenery would do me good.

"Dan, stop, please…" The voice pleaded, as I was stopped in my tracks by a still-standing figure in the hallway. Tall, lean, ebony haired…

"PHIL!" I exclaimed, stretching my arms around him and hugging him tightly. "Fucking Jesus, I am so glad to see you! I'm so so sorry about everything ever!" The words kept on flowing from my mouth. I was too excited and caught up in the moment to even realise what I was saying.

"Dan, have you even paid any attention to anything I recently said?" Phil questioned, speaking over the top of my jibber-jabber.

And then it sank in, properly this time.

My best friend of several years was in love with me. He wanted me… in his bed. I couldn't even get my head around the fact that Phil was gay. I thought we told eachother everything! I stared blankly at Phil for a few moments.

"I'm sorry Phil I have to think." And with that, I left for my room. I threw myself onto my bed, noticing the unfinished letter still on the bedside table.

"I… I…" And then I realised. I was pretending to write letters to my best friend in the hope he might actually receive them. I pleaded that he wasn't dead, told him that I couldn't cope without him. I was right. And there it was, plain evidence that Phil meant something to me too.

They say that you only ever realise how much you love someone when they are taken away from you. That happened to me, but thankfully I now have that crown jewel back.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Daniel Howell, am confessing my love for Philip Lester.

**_I am really enjoying writing this, hopefully some of you are enjoying reading it too :D Let me know! :)_**


	4. Like Poison

_**Hi guys, I'm sorry this chapter is so short... I had a lot of school work to be getting on with. :( I hope this keeps you interested though! **_

Chapter 4- Like Poison

~PHIL'S POV~

"I'm sorry Phil I have to think." What could that mean? Was Dan angry at me? Of course he was angry at me. He probably thinks that I'm a gay weirdo whom he never wants to go near again.

'Well done Phil, you've ruined it again. You've turned something great into something awful. You're like poison Phil, you're poison.' I told myself, not even wanting to know exactly what Dan was thinking at this point.

'He's never going to love you back Phil. You might as well just leave. He doesn't want you anymore. No one wants you.'

I had had enough.

"Dan, I'm going out… not like you care." I said, as a single tear ran down my cheek. I waited for a reply. Nothing.

I hurried out and slammed the door, taking the stairs instead of the lift. It didn't take as long as I thought; anything to get away from Dan as quickly as possible. I rushed outside, the freezing air like knives against my skin. I walked quickly against the crowds pushing against me; typical London day. I took a glimpse at the road ahead of me, and hurriedly stepped out.

Then everything slowed to nearly a standstill.

I saw a light in my peripheral vision. I glanced to my left and my stomach turned. A large black taxi headed towards me. I didn't have time to react.

I suddenly felt myself falling. I closed my eyes.

~DAN'S POV~

"Phil, please don't walk out on me." I said as he slammed the apartment door. 'Great,' I thought, 'He's gone off in a huff again.' He had no reason to, I mean I _love_ him. Why couldn't he see that? Phil is the first boy I have ever liked, and hopefully the last I ever need to. He is perfect, he always has been, but I just never realised it in that sense.

I had to go after him.

I locked the door and waited for the lift, which thankfully came quickly. I walked along the paved street and noticed Phil amongst the busy gush of people.

"Phil!" I shouted. "Please come back, don't make me run after you!" I continued. The road seemed fairly clear, with the exception of the odd bike or taxi. Phil was about to step out onto the road.

I felt sick.

A black cab was heading along the road at a decent speed, towards my Phil.

I ran as fast as I could, reaching out for Phil with both arms as I crossed the pavement.

That's all I remember.

**_So yeah, I think I might round this off soon, unless people particularly like it. Although saying that I'm really enjoying it! Remember to follow if you want to know what happens next- should be updated in the following couple days... big chapter to write! Let me know what you think :)_**


	5. I Will Always, Always Love You

_**Hey guys! So I'm sorry it took me so long to do this chapter, I have just had sooo much work recently! :/ But I really hope it was worth the wait! And I would like to thank all of you wonderful people who have followed me and this story, favourited, and taken the time to review and give me lovely comments! I really can't thank you all enough; it makes me feel like this is so much more worthwhile! :) **_

Chapter 5- I Will Always, Always Love You

~PHIL'S POV~

I opened my eyes. There I was, lying with my face pressed against the road. Cars had stopped moving past, people had gathered in crowds to see what had happened. I was so pumped I couldn't even feel any pain. I lay there, just for a moment, listening. People were screaming and shouting. Cars were honking their horns. I slowly became more aware of the pulsing pain seeping through my skull. I needed to see for myself what had happened. I shuffled my hands in front of my chest, and painfully pushed myself up. I felt off balance, but regained my stature and looked around.

Like I heard, people of all ages were watching intently from the pavement. Some were crying and others just stared. I needed to know what I was doing lying with my face in the middle of the road. I stumbled over to the crowd, begging for answers. Most of them seemed preoccupied in something, so I moved a little further down the road to see a car, windscreen smashed, ill-placed in the middle. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it was empty, thankfully no one had been hurt in whatever had gone on previous to my waking.

I carried on walking, eventually to see blood by my feet. My heart once again started racing. I turned to face the front of the car, and that's when time felt like it stood still.

The flashbacks started. There had been a crash- I should have been hit. That should have been me. Whoever it was, they saved my life. I needed to show them how thankful I was. Why would someone shove me out the way and get hit themselves? No one around here knew me, or cared, or would have done anything heroic. This is London, come on! There was no ambulance, fire brigade, anything- I had to help.

I knelt down beside the rather mangled body, checking for a pulse. Nothing. I rolled the man over, to try and feel like I was doing something to help. His jeans were ripped; one of his shoes was lying in the small patch of blood near the car. And then the situation got a whole lot worse.

"DAN!" I screamed, "DAN! Dan, you're gonna be okay bud" I paused, my body become limp and my voice breaking. "Oh my… holy fuck… argh bloody shit! What the fuck did you do Dan?!" I couldn't control the terrible vocabulary I was saying, but at this moment in time, frankly, I did not care. "…Dan…" I whimpered, holding his wrist still hoping his pulse would come back. "Please come back!" The tears streamed down my face in between my hyperventilating. 'What if Dan never came back?' I thought to myself. 'How could I cope without him?' I leant forward over what looked like a twisted corpse. "Whether you're here with me now or not, I will always, _always_, love you." I placed a soft kiss on his forehead, moving his hair away from his closed eyes. I clenched his hand one last time before the paramedics ushered me away from the scene.

Dan wasn't coming back. I mulled over the image of him lying there on the cold hard ground. Home didn't seem the same without him. I attempted to make a coffee to calm my quivers which had been going on since the accident an hour ago. The coffee missed the mug. I threw the spoon to the other side of the kitchen with rage. Next thing I knew, the same had been done with the kettle and the mug. I overturned the chairs by the breakfast bar and knelt to the floor with weakness. I grasped my hair with my hands, digging my nails into my scalp. I sobbed. I sobbed more than I had in my entire life put together. Times a thousand. I _needed_ him here, to make me feel better. I reached out, hoping he would respond. Nothing again. He was really gone.

This was all my fault. If I hadn't have had feelings for Dan, I wouldn't have stormed out and he wouldn't have followed. Dan died because of me. He deserved so much more than that, he was perfect. Not just his looks, but every little god forsaken habit attributed to him being the …

"Phiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil, answer the phoooooone, you cunt!" I managed to make out a smirk from the most embarrassing ringtone of all time. I wondered if PJ and Chris had heard the news.

"..H..Hello?" I answered quietly.

"Mr Lester, it's the hospital. We found you as the main contact in Daniel's phone." They replied.

"Dan? He's in hospital? He's alright?" I rushed out all of the words at once.

"Alright isn't the word, Philip. As you know, Dan has suffered some serious trauma. We put him in a medically induced coma, to relieve the pressure of his brain. Even then, he will probably have suffered some brain damage. We won't know until…. Or if…. He wakes up. He's not open for visitors yet; you will be able to come and see him in the morning when he will hopefully be much more stable. We just thought you would appreciate a call."

"Oh my god… ermmm.. er.. thank you for letting me know- I will definitely be there tomorrow." I hung up in shock.

'Brain damage?' I thought to myself. 'What if he can't walk, or speak? What if… what if he doesn't remember me?' Thoughts whizzed around my head. How they expected me to sleep on this I didn't know.

I still made the effort to trail myself across the hall to bed. I tucked myself in, keeping the light on. I thought of how that should have been me. I should have died today.

It reached nearly 5am until I snapped out of thinking. I closed my eyes, trying to forget all the recent events. I tried to place myself in another world, one where Dan loved me and I loved him. We were together. We sat and ate pancakes on the balcony, and fought over who was winning on Mario. For a moment, I forgot the pain.

For a moment,

I was happy.

_**Wow, so that took a long time to finish! Hope you at least feel slightly emotional haha. I went through every sad song in my iTunes library when writing this! Oh and please remind me next time not to stay up writing 'til 3am, I feel dead now. Once again, thanks for the follows, reviews, and faves! If you want to see more and you haven't already, make sure you hit the follow button! I won't make you wait as long for the next chapter, I promise. Until then, guys!**_


	6. Silence

_**Hey guys! I'm so so sorry this took so long, it took several attempts to write as I kept changing what happens hehe :) I really hope this lives up to your expectations :3**_

Chapter 6- Silence

~PHIL'S POV~

I awoke instantly to the sound of my alarm. At first, what had happened the night before was simply a memory. I looked across at my phone, still in the same place from the call from the hospital. DAN! I rushed out of bed, not even bothering to shower or straighten my hair, squeezed into some black skinnies and a t-shirt, and headed out.

The hospital was very empty; I checked my phone. 7AM? No wonder it was this quiet! I headed to reception, my stomach starting to twist and turn. I stuttered Dan's name to the receptionist, who pointed a finger down the hall. My heart raced as I approached the door.

I entered the dull, gloomy room where I saw Dan, lying there, lifeless. He was covered in wires and tubes; if it weren't for them he would be dead. If it wasn't for that man, I would be dead.

I walked over to him, kneeling down on the chair next to the bed. I held his hand and we had a long silence. And then I broke down. It was too much to see Dan in the state he was in, knowing in the back of my mind that he probably wouldn't wake up. "…Dan… I'm so sorry for telling you I love you. If I hadn't have, none of this mess would have happened!" I began to sob.

"…What?..." Dan whispered, slowly blinking and opening his eyes.

~DAN'S POV~

I could hear everything that was going on. And that's all I could do. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't see. I just wanted to be back to normal and ask all the pressing questions I had. 'Whose voice was that I heard? Sounds like a man. A man is in love with me? Am I gay?' questions span around my head. I eventually was able to open my eyes, greeted by a lean ebony-haired man clenching my hand.

"…What?..." I asked, unable to comprehend what was happening. The man looked blankly at me, but rather saddened. "What happened?" I questioned, demanding answers to the most important questions first.

"There was a crash," he replied. "You got hit by a taxi, you saved my life. Don't you remember Dan?" he continued, still grasping my hand in his.

I pulled my hand away.

"No, I don't. I'm sorry, but I don't. Did anyone else get hurt?" I said, trying to find out more details of the accident. He pointed at his jaw.

"Well, when you shoved me out the way, I broke my jaw out of impact. And a twisted wrist, but that's it, nothing serious." He put on a smile, grabbing my hand in his once more. "You'll be just fine."

"I shoved you out of the way?" I questioned, before continuing. "But I don't know you."

~PHIL'S POV~

Oh no. Oh God, shit. He doesn't remember me.

"…You don't know who I am? Not even a name?" I asked, feeling my eyes swell up with water.

"I don't recall ever seeing you before… should I have?" He looked incredibly confused and worried.

"Well, we've been housemates for years. I'm Phil." That's all I could say. I couldn't bombard him with everything at once.

"Really? I can't even… wait… how do I know I can trust you? For all I know you could be a little creep from work or something." He spat out.

"You can trust me Dan, you've known me long enough. And as for work, can you remember what you do for a job?"

"Nope, but knowing me, I'm unemployed?" He chuckled.

"No silly, you make videos on YouTube for the internet. You're practically famous." I said, twisting round my laptop. Dan chuckled, watching himself in Phil Is Not On Fire 3.

There was then a long silence. Too long.

Dan threw his arms around me. "I remember everything." He paused. "Do you still love me Phil?"

I didn't know what to say.

"Yes, and I always will." I had to tell him the truth.

"Because I love you too."

I couldn't believe what I just heard. I got up on the hospital bed with him, we sat there listening to the silence once again, before turning to eachother.

"Kiss me Phil."

"…D-Dan, are you sure of what you're asking? If you're high on morphine I don't want t…"

Dan leaned in and closed his eyes and his lips soon met with mine. Our first kiss.

"I love you Dan" I had never meant anything more ever.

"I love you more" he said, resting his head on my shoulder and placing has hand across my stomach.

Who knew dull, gloomy hospital rooms could be so romantic.

_**I thought you at least needed a little phan action ;) can't starve my phans can I ?! Like I said, hope this was worth the wait… more romance and drama to come! Follow this story & me if you want to read more from this story! Please review on what you think, it really means a lot to me to know that people like or want to get me to improve! Until next time, my precious readers!**_


	7. NOT A CHAPTER: PLEASE READ

_**Hey guys! It's been sooo long, I know :( I've been so busy with art coursework, exams etc.**_

_**I just wanted to say I'm so grateful for all of the reviews and follows this fanfiction received, you're all fantastic. Unfortunately, I really don't know where to go with this fic anymore, and so have decided to call it quits and leave it here, as it is rounded off well as it is.**_

_**If you enjoyed reading my fic you can begin reading my new one- "Llamas, Cheese and Late Nights". Just search for it in the searchbar or follow me for updates. :)**_

_**I will be trying to update this as frequently as possible, as I want to try and make this a long one. Thanks for all the support, once again!**_

_**Bubblemist.~ 3**_

_**P.S. Phan for life.**_


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